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8-Step Program for Getting Unstuck from Your Sexless Marriage

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Top 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage

Online Sex Advice
From Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist


This material is presented for educational and informational purposes only. No other claims are made. Always consult your health care professional for specific personal care recommendations.

For 30 years I have been working with individuals and couples as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and over that time I have heard a lot of stories about the struggles couples are having in their sexless marriage. Here are the TOP 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage.

Struggle No. 1
Frustrated Libido. That’s it. This one is pretty obvious. Some of us have a very strong sexual desire, and some of us don’t. The No. 1 struggle in a sexless marriage is that you, or your partner, or both of you are sexually frustrated. A fundamental drive is not being gratified and the frustration is very real. Sexual desire is simply low, or non-existent.

Struggle No. 2
The Frustration often turns into anger. You get frustrated when you don’t get what you want, and that often leads to anger. In fact, you might well be in a sexless marriage because one of you is angry with the other. “If you won’t give me what I want, then I won’t give you what you want.” Or, “If you won’t give me what I want, then screw you!”

Struggle No. 3
Control dramas begin, take on a life of their own, and are very hard to stop. Out of frustration you try to control your partner to behave differently, and the more you try to control the more you push your partner away. Anger and distance take root and sex turns into a battleground.

Struggle No. 4
Confusion abounds. What is going on? What changed? Why doesn’t my partner want me? Why don’t I want my partner? What can I do to change this? How long can I tolerate this? What will happen if our sex problem doesn’t go away? What can I do? Question after question, and the answers seem to be illusive.

Struggle No. 5
Your self-esteem sinks. In the beginning you probably found each other to be attractive, but now, that attraction has shrunk to almost nothing. The looks, the touches, the gentle and seductive conversation… all of it is a thing of the past. Your self-esteem has been affected and you begin to wonder… What is wrong with me? Am I not attractive any longer? Am I to blame for our sexless marriage? Shame and guilt stifle your life.

Struggle No. 6
Moral dilemmas grab you. You value marriage, and you want to protect the sanctity of your relationship. You love the kids and the whole family, but the thought of continuing without intimate, erotic sex is unbearable. Is this relationship too good to leave, but too bad to stay? What is the right thing to do? Should I stay in my sexless marriage, or should I go?

Struggle No. 7
You can’t believe you are thinking about an affair. What would it be like to be with someone who wants you, who actually desires you? Could you get away with it? Is it okay to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with someone else as a way of actually saving your marriage? What are you thinking? Listen to yourself! Well, you are thinking about it, and that frightens you.

Struggle No. 8
Where do you go for help? With whom do you talk about this sexless marriage issue? Your friends? Your spiritual leader? You medical doctor? Your sister or brother? Heavens no, not the kids! Should you go see a counselor and talk about your sexless marriage? Will your partner go with you? If you don’t talk with someone you will go nuts!

Struggle No. 9
You have to find a solution! You are driven to get to the bottom of this. Is it a physical problem? Is it a relationship issue that has you stuck in a sexless marriage? How about a personal problem either with yourself or your partner? Or is it a cultural influence that is interfering? Or, God forbid, is it a spiritual issue that somehow has you stuck? You are driven, almost obsessed with getting to the bottom of it, and fixing it. Fix it NOW!

Struggle No. 10
You frightened that your relationship will end of your sexless relationship. Disoriented and scared. You can’t stop thinking about your sexless marriage and you are headed for a panic attack. This is a horrific situation for you to be in and you are afraid that the lack of sexual desire in your sexless marriage will drive you crazy. The anxiety, the fear… it is getting to you. You might just have to leave to get beyond the anxiety and struggle.

Yes, these tend to be the Top 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage. If you are in a relationship where you have sex 10 times a year or less, you might well be able to identify with many of them. The more you struggle, the worse it feels – sort of like quicksand!

That’s why I have written Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, and all the helpful solutions you will find at

Dr. Andrew D. Atwood
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is the BIG, 137 page eBook written by Dr. Atwood. The companion volume is You Can Save Your Marriage. You can find both, and more, at Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT. 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, MI 49503 - Voice 616.456.1178 - Email ©2002-2004 Save Your Marriage, PLC. All rights reserved.

Disclaimer: The material presented on these pages if for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. It may not represent your true individual medical situation. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting a qualified health care provider in person. Please consult your health care provider in person if you have any questions or concerns. Always use common sense and research your own personal situation thoroughly.


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