Top 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage
Online Sex Advice
From Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
This material is presented for educational and informational
purposes only. No other claims are made. Always consult your health
care professional for specific personal care recommendations.
For 30 years I have been working with individuals
and couples as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and over that time
I have heard a lot of stories about the struggles couples are having
in their sexless marriage. Here are the TOP 10 Struggles in a Sexless
Struggle No. 1
Frustrated Libido. That’s it. This one is pretty obvious. Some
of us have a very strong sexual desire, and some of us don’t.
The No. 1 struggle in a sexless marriage is that you, or your partner,
or both of you are sexually frustrated. A fundamental drive is not
being gratified and the frustration is very real. Sexual desire is
simply low, or non-existent.
Struggle No. 2
The Frustration often turns into anger. You get frustrated when you
don’t get what you want, and that often leads to anger. In fact,
you might well be in a sexless marriage because one of you is angry
with the other. “If you won’t give me what I want, then
I won’t give you what you want.” Or, “If you won’t
give me what I want, then screw you!”
Struggle No. 3
Control dramas begin, take on a life of their own, and are very hard
to stop. Out of frustration you try to control your partner to behave
differently, and the more you try to control the more you push your
partner away. Anger and distance take root and sex turns into a battleground.
Struggle No. 4
Confusion abounds. What is going on? What changed? Why doesn’t
my partner want me? Why don’t I want my partner? What can I
do to change this? How long can I tolerate this? What will happen
if our sex problem doesn’t go away? What can I do? Question
after question, and the answers seem to be illusive.
Struggle No. 5
Your self-esteem sinks. In the beginning you probably found each other
to be attractive, but now, that attraction has shrunk to almost nothing.
The looks, the touches, the gentle and seductive conversation…
all of it is a thing of the past. Your self-esteem has been affected
and you begin to wonder… What is wrong with me? Am I not attractive
any longer? Am I to blame for our sexless marriage? Shame and guilt
stifle your life.
Struggle No. 6
Moral dilemmas grab you. You value marriage, and you want to protect
the sanctity of your relationship. You love the kids and the whole
family, but the thought of continuing without intimate, erotic sex
is unbearable. Is this relationship too good to leave, but too bad
to stay? What is the right thing to do? Should I stay in my sexless
marriage, or should I go?
Struggle No. 7
You can’t believe you are thinking about an affair. What would
it be like to be with someone who wants you, who actually desires
you? Could you get away with it? Is it okay to have a no-strings-attached
sexual relationship with someone else as a way of actually saving
your marriage? What are you thinking? Listen to yourself! Well, you
are thinking about it, and that frightens you.
Struggle No. 8
Where do you go for help? With whom do you talk about this sexless
marriage issue? Your friends? Your spiritual leader? You medical doctor?
Your sister or brother? Heavens no, not the kids! Should you go see
a counselor and talk about your sexless marriage? Will your partner
go with you? If you don’t talk with someone you will go nuts!
Struggle No. 9
You have to find a solution! You are driven to get to the bottom of
this. Is it a physical problem? Is it a relationship issue that has
you stuck in a sexless marriage? How about a personal problem either
with yourself or your partner? Or is it a cultural influence that
is interfering? Or, God forbid, is it a spiritual issue that somehow
has you stuck? You are driven, almost obsessed with getting to the
bottom of it, and fixing it. Fix it NOW!
Struggle No. 10
You frightened that your relationship will end of your sexless relationship.
Disoriented and scared. You can’t stop thinking about your sexless
marriage and you are headed for a panic attack. This is a horrific
situation for you to be in and you are afraid that the lack of sexual
desire in your sexless marriage will drive you crazy. The anxiety,
the fear… it is getting to you. You might just have to leave
to get beyond the anxiety and struggle.
Yes, these tend to be the Top 10 Struggles in a Sexless
Marriage. If you are in a relationship where you have sex 10 times
a year or less, you might well be able to identify with many of them.
The more you struggle, the worse it feels – sort of like quicksand!
That’s why I have written Hopeful Solutions
for Your Sexless Marriage, and all the helpful solutions you will
find at http://www.HopefulSolutions.net.
Dr. Andrew D. Atwood
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is the
BIG, 137 page eBook written by Dr. Atwood. The companion volume is
You Can Save Your Marriage. You can find both, and more, at www.HopefulSolutions.net.
Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT. 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, MI
49503 - Voice 616.456.1178 - Email DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net.
©2002-2004 Save Your Marriage, PLC. All rights reserved.
Disclaimer: The material presented on these pages
if for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional
medical advice. It may not represent your true individual medical
situation. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health
problem or disease without consulting a qualified health care provider
in person. Please consult your health care provider in person if you
have any questions or concerns. Always use common sense and research
your own personal situation thoroughly.