7 Dumb Things to Do About Your Sexless Marriage
Online Sex Advice
From Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
This material is presented for educational and informational
purposes only. No other claims are made. Always consult your health
care professional for specific personal care recommendations.
Let me say right off the bat that people who are stuck
in a sexless marriage are, in fact, often “dumb” to the
issues involved. When I think about the computers I use in my business
and all the dumb things I have done with them at times, I just shake
I’ve lost files, screwed up hardware installations,
gone through a dozen printers, and gotten stuck more times than I
can remember… almost all of it because I am “dumb”
when it comes to computers.
Fortunately, I have a son who can bail me out! It
isn’t that I am dumb, for I certainly am not. But I am dumb
when it comes to computer technology.
Sometimes people who are stuck in a sexless marriage
are stuck because they are dumb when it comes to the intricacies of
sexuality and the expression of love through sexuality. It isn’t
that those who are stuck are dumb, but it is that they are dumb when
it comes to sexuality. It’s for that group of “dumb”
folks that I have written this list.
First Dumb Thing to Do
You’ve heard it said that the definition of
“crazy” is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting
different results. If what you are doing is crazy, then you better
stop. I’m fond of telling myself, and others, that if what you
are doing isn’t working – try something else!
Living systems survive because they are able to adapt,
to change to the circumstances in which they find themselves in such
a way that they are always better off. If what you are doing together
sexually has you stuck, then adapt and do something else. It’s
crazy to keep doing something that doesn’t work.
Second Dumb Thing to Do
However, it is really dumb to just do nothing! Lots
of people give up – not because they are screwed up people –
but because they simply don’t know what else to do. If your
paradigm is “I can’t” or “she won’t”
or “he won’t” then you have to think outside of
that paradigm. It is dumb to do nothing when you can get smart about
having great sex.
Third Dumb Thing to Do
It’s dumb to not consider all the physical problems
that could be getting in the way. Think of an ordinary garden hose
for a moment. If you pick up the end of the hose and point it at some
flowers in the garden, and squeeze the nozzle while pointing…
and nothing comes out, what do you do? You don’t stand there
pointing and squeezing all day, do you? You don’t put the nozzle
down and come back to it day after day, week after week, pointing
and squeezing to no avail, do you?
No, you adapt! You turn around and check to see if
you have taken the time to turn the water on, and then you check to
see if you have a kink in the hose, and then you check to see if the
nozzle is working properly – that’s what you do.
If you want to be turned on and to enjoy something
a little kinky you must consider the physical problems that either
of you might be having. If it isn’t flowing, it is dumb not
to consider the physical problems that might be in the way.
I want to also include in here the issue of technique.
Let me make this one summary statement:
• Since 40% of women don’t have an orgasm
• And 75% of men ejaculate within 2 minutes
of initiating intercourse
• And after 21 minutes of good clitoral stimulation
92% of women have an orgasm consistently
• Then men and women need to learn how to have
great “Outercourse” rather than intercourse, by which
I mean the focus should be on the Vulva not the vagina, and the primary
sexual tools should be tongue, fingers, and hands… as well as
heart and mind.
It is dumb to not understand the physiology of sexual
pleasure, to use the wrong tools for the job.
Fourth Dumb Thing to Do
If your relationship is in trouble, your sexuality
might be a casualty. It is very hard to make love with someone you
don’t get along with, or like.
• If your transactions drop below a 3-to-5 ratio,
good-to-bad, then your relationship is really in trouble.
• If your self-esteem is not enhanced by your
relationship then you are in trouble.
• If your sense of belonging isn’t enhance…
not a good sign.
• If you don’t feel loved,
• Or if you feel like a failure with your partner
in one way or another,
• Or if you are bored to tears with each other,
• Or if you feel controlled and dominated by
your partner, or if your partner feels controlled and dominated by
It all can result in a loss of sexual desire. It is
dumb to make love with someone you don’t like, and it is dumb
to avoid the issues behind your loss of sexual desire.
Fifth Dumb Thing to Do
Guilt and shame kill libido, and guilt and shame are
used by tribes to keep them members in line. Your culture might have
helped you to get stuck.
• It is dumb to not confront and get beyond
the guilt and shame that your culture has placed on sexuality, sensuality,
and sexual behavior in general. If you are limited because of the
messages that you have received about sex being “dirty,”
or the messages you have received about being “manly”
or “womanly”… or whatever… then confront the
facts, uncover the truth, and give it all your own meaning. It is
all natural. Maybe it is more natural for some people than for others,
but it is all natural as long as it doesn’t do violence to anyone.
• It is also dumb to not write your own definitions
of “right” and “wrong” when it comes to sexual
behavior between the two of you. It is so very important to be able
to experience novelty in your sexuality, and if you write off something
as “wrong” then you are cutting yourself off from potential
novelty. You look at what your tribe of people defines as right and
wrong, and then the two of you decide for yourselves what works for
Sixth Dumb Thing to Do
If you don’t get your personal stuff lined up
with great sexual pleasure, you might well be screwing yourself.
• If you have personal garbage in your life
that you haven’t been able to throw out, garbage that has caused
you guilt and shame, then do something about it. It is dumb to allow
that garbage to trash your self-esteem.
• If you have unhealthy thoughts about sexuality
then bone up on the subject at hand and get beyond the limits imposed
by your mental model.
• If you are emotionally constipated when it
comes to sex, then do something to free yourself up. What is the problem?
Look at the list here and clarify the issues. Then, get smart, adapt,
change, do something different.
• If you have a “mental illness”
that is getting in the way, it is dumb not to figure out how to work
around it… if you can.
Seventh Dumb Thing to Do
It is possible that there are some spiritual and/or
energetic issues that are behind your sexless problems.
• In 2003 there was much talk, for the first
time really, about how drained so many people are. Not enough energy
to make love. Too busy, too much of the time. Here in the United States
we have been seduced into chasing after all sorts of material stuff
as if the acquisition of things would bring us bliss. “Hi! How
you doing? Busy?” That has become the standard greeting. Truth
is, too many of us are so busy “making a living” that
we haven’t the time to make love.
• The result is that many of us have unbalanced
energy systems; our Chakras are out of balance and we don’t
perform at optimum levels.
• And some of us have souls that are disturbed
– souls that are struggling to find “center” and
to stay there. It is as if a love affair with God has taken hold of
us and we are in the midst of shifting our priorities and intentions.
At these times sex often seems like a distraction, or like something
that is somehow too self-indulgent and pleasure seeking.
• Sometimes, it is “dumb” to chase
after counterfeit Gods as if bliss can be found at Walmart or Macy’s.
Sometimes, it is dumb to slip the other way and become too ascetic
in search of bliss, when all of creation was given to us for our delight.
There are other dumb things we do, too, but that list
is the one you expected when you began to read this article of advice.
They include the following:
• Getting frustrated and angry… demanding more sex. This
• Purchasing penis enlargement gizmos that perpetuate the Grand
• Getting into too much masturbation, which trains your mind
and body to expect immediate sexual gratification.
• Turning to an affair for mere relief.
• Buying jells, creams, secrete potions… all claiming
to give you “hot sex.”
• And finally, focusing on one area of struggle while ignoring
the others! How common it is for a man to buy Viagra (or one of the
others) as if that alone will solve the whole problem. So often it
only increases the problem because she still doesn’t like him,
and his selfish technique still frustrates her… but with Cialis
(or one of the others) she can run into the dilemma more frequently!
Be smart and try the “8-Step
Program for Getting UnStuck from Your Sexless Marriage”
– which I have developed. You stand a much better chance of
addressing your issues in a mature way if you do.
Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is the BIG, 137 page eBook
written by Dr. Atwood. The companion volume is You Can Save Your Marriage.
You can find both, and more, at www.HopefulSolutions.net.
Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT. 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, MI
49503 - Voice 616.456.1178 - Email DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net.
©2002-2004 Save Your Marriage, PLC. All rights reserved.
Disclaimer: The material presented on these pages
if for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional
medical advice. It may not represent your true individual medical
situation. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health
problem or disease without consulting a qualified health care provider
in person. Please consult your health care provider in person if you
have any questions or concerns. Always use common sense and research
your own personal situation thoroughly.