Were your mom and dad happily married? Is your marriage like theirs
If you’re having marriage problems, the chances are good that
your parents struggled in their marriage too. Research shows that if
your parents divorced, then your marriage is more likely to end in divorce
Freud documented well the impact that heredity and upbringing has on
a person’s fate. We learn “tapes” early-on that we
play again and again oblivious to how they control (and destroy) our
But does that mean the destiny of your marriage was determined years
ago? Does that mean your fate was sealed by your genes and your childhood?
There is no doubt that you have deeply rooted relationship instincts.
But those instincts do NOT have you.
Your past constantly vies for control of your future, but at the end
of the day YOU have a CHOICE.
Your domain is this moment, and every moment, when you can DECIDE to
write a new script. At any time, in every time, you can decide to be
the master of your destiny; rather than a victim to your past.
This, by the way, is the real value in understanding your past and
your childhood roots. So that you can consciously REJECT what you know
doesn’t work and replace old habits with new ways.
This, of course, is no simple task. Not only because it’s hard
to break old habits and learn new ways, but also because most people
are more comfortable doing what’s familiar yet destructive rather
than what’s constructive but unfamiliar.
In other words, most people are happier doing what they know doesn’t
work than they are working on something that they don’t know.
But that’s what it takes to be a “transition person.”
A transition person is someone who breaks free from unhealthy relationship
patterns that have been in their family for generations.
You are by no means a product solely of your heredity or environment.
There is a third element: YOUR DECISION. And that trumps ALL past events.
By the way, this, in my opinion, is the real meaning of marriage education…educating
someone to acquire the ability to CHOOSE their behavior.
successful marriage is not something that just happens; you have to
craft it. It’s a result of deliberate and conscience decisions
to make a new way in your relationship.
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