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Are You Insecure In Relationships?

Copyright © 2005 Carol Chanel Certified Life Coach

Feeling insecure in a relationship is a lot like a headache: most of us experience the pain of it at one time or another and its curable once we know what causes it and what to do to avoid it.

This 'pain' is most acute in romantic relationships. They can really bring out our insecurities. Insecure - lacking self-confidence.

Here's the interesting thing. Almost everyone is insecure about some aspect of themselves. So if almost everyone has something they worry about, or don't feel confident about, then how can they make you feel better about yourself? They can't. They're busy trying to get ahead or just get by in this world.

We're going to look at what causes you to feel insecure in relationships? What you can do to feel more secure in a romantic relationship? Who you can be to let confidence, not insecurity, fill you and guide you?


The biggest cause is the need for validation - from someone else. No one can validate you. Not really. It's not going to happen often enough, with the right words, at the right time, in the right way. It's not going to be enough. Only you can validate you. The ultimate validation occurs when you acknowledge your connection to the Divine, then you are truly validated.

On a more human level you might be choosing the wrong person for yourself. If you are a person who likes lots of attention, you're probably not going to do well with a man or woman who is completely involved in their own lives with very little time and energy to spare for you.

Or if you like to share activities you might not want to get involved with a man who plops down in front of the TV and calls it a night - at 6 p.m.

Be honest with yourself about what you like, what works and what doesn't work for you. And then make choices that support your likes, needs and wants.

Other causes - and we all suffer from these - come from our childhood or adolescent years. Most of us didn't escape those early teen years without feeling gawky, unattractive or some form of embarrassment.

But now you're an adult. Take an objective look at yourself and move on past those years. That could be an excuse to avoid being intimate.

Insecurity comes from not valuing yourself. And then expecting someone else to value you. When they don't - look out, you crash. And then your self-confidence really plummets.


So in order to feel more secure you need to boost your self-confidence. It's time to be honest here. There are four areas - emotional, spiritual, physical and mental - that need to be addressed. What are some of your good qualities? The things your mother praises about you, the things your best friend notices and points out.

If you've forgotten what those qualities are - ask a friend, family member, or an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Choose someone you trust.

Then work on the physical part. What is it you really need to change? You know the one or two things you don't like about yourself that you can easily change.

Do you want to lose 10 pounds? Then start an exercise program and learn to eat properly. Do you want to tone your muscles? Get an exercise video or hire a trainer. Do you want to dress differently? Hire an image consultant or get a hip friend to take you shopping.

Maybe you want to stop smoking or start meditating to feel calmer and peaceful. Start with one thing that will allow you to feel better about yourself. Something easy. Something achievable. You will build momentum.

Then take a look at the spiritual part - what is your spiritual life like? Do you believe in a higher power? If so, are you in gratitude for the things you do have? Like two arms, legs, a healthy heart. Or do you complain about what you don't have?

Gratitude lifts your self-confidence by strengthening your core.

Are you giving and loving to others? If you want to feel better about yourself - give love to others. A generous heart works every time.

To lift up the mental part look at what information you are soaking up. Are you watching violent movies or soap operas or reading melodramatic novels? Are you glued to CNN?

The problem with those things is they connect you to low energy emotions of blame, regret, anxiety, humiliation, shame and even hatred.

Read uplifting stories, watch The Biography Channel or other interesting programming. Involve your mind in topics and with people who aren't living in melodrama or negativity, but instead prefer to think positively and lovingly.

The emotional part will follow when you get the other three in order. Diet, exercise, spiritual growth and what your mind is exposed to, naturally affect your emotions because then you are in a loving energy field.

And if you are still suffering, then please get some professional help. There's no shame in that. Don't suffer on your own.


You can BE a beacon of light. You can choose to be loving. You can choose to think light filled thoughts. You can be a source of hope, inspiration and joy.

When you reconnect to the light you will feel wonderful about yourself. Yes we all have our mountains to climb. That's life. We don't need to choose to feel insecure because of our mountains.

I like this quote from Khan that Wayne Dyer used in his book "There's A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem":

"The solution to the problem of the day is the awakening of the consciousness of humanity to the divinity within." Hazrat Inayat Khan

Think about it - you are connected to the Divine Source. You are part of that Source, just like a wave is part of the ocean. It looks like it's separate but it ultimately flows back into the ocean. So by acknowledging that you are part of the Divine Source then you can't be inferior. Say a pray, call to the angels, go to church, take a hike or a long walk by the ocean. Do something that puts you in touch with nature and your connection.

Take the steps to improve how you feel about yourself, to reconnect to the Divine Source. You're not inferior. You don't need to feel insecure. You are loved and you are able to love.

Start today and set up a plan to begin to increase your self-confidence. Don't let anything be an excuse.

Love others and yourself, be in gratitude, read uplifting stories or great spiritual books, exercise and eat healthy foods, don't make wrong choices.

© Carol C. Chanel, 2004-2005

Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who helps people get UNSTUCK, have healthy, joyful relationships, improve their love lives and feel great. Carol works with people by phone, from all over the world; and writes an ezine, Rockin' Relationships, to guide people through the challenges of relationships.

You can contact her at: 310-998-8860


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