Are You Insecure In Relationships?
Copyright © 2005 Carol
Chanel Certified Life Coach
Feeling insecure in a relationship is a lot like a
headache: most of us experience the pain of it at one time or another
and its curable once we know what causes it and what to do to avoid
This 'pain' is most acute in romantic relationships.
They can really bring out our insecurities. Insecure - lacking self-confidence.
Here's the interesting thing. Almost everyone is insecure
about some aspect of themselves. So if almost everyone has something
they worry about, or don't feel confident about, then how can they
make you feel better about yourself? They can't. They're busy trying
to get ahead or just get by in this world.
We're going to look at what causes you to feel insecure
in relationships? What you can do to feel more secure in a romantic
relationship? Who you can be to let confidence, not insecurity, fill
you and guide you?
CAUSES OF INSECURITIES
The biggest cause is the need for validation - from
someone else. No one can validate you. Not really. It's not going
to happen often enough, with the right words, at the right time, in
the right way. It's not going to be enough. Only you can validate
you. The ultimate validation occurs when you acknowledge your connection
to the Divine, then you are truly validated.
On a more human level you might be choosing the wrong
person for yourself. If you are a person who likes lots of attention,
you're probably not going to do well with a man or woman who is completely
involved in their own lives with very little time and energy to spare
Or if you like to share activities you might not want
to get involved with a man who plops down in front of the TV and calls
it a night - at 6 p.m.
Be honest with yourself about what you like, what
works and what doesn't work for you. And then make choices that support
your likes, needs and wants.
Other causes - and we all suffer from these - come
from our childhood or adolescent years. Most of us didn't escape those
early teen years without feeling gawky, unattractive or some form
But now you're an adult. Take an objective look at
yourself and move on past those years. That could be an excuse to
avoid being intimate.
Insecurity comes from not valuing yourself. And then
expecting someone else to value you. When they don't - look out, you
crash. And then your self-confidence really plummets.
TO FEEL MORE SECURE
So in order to feel more secure you need to boost
your self-confidence. It's time to be honest here. There are four
areas - emotional, spiritual, physical and mental - that need to be
addressed. What are some of your good qualities? The things your mother
praises about you, the things your best friend notices and points
If you've forgotten what those qualities are - ask
a friend, family member, or an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Choose
someone you trust.
Then work on the physical part. What is it you really
need to change? You know the one or two things you don't like about
yourself that you can easily change.
Do you want to lose 10 pounds? Then start an exercise
program and learn to eat properly. Do you want to tone your muscles?
Get an exercise video or hire a trainer. Do you want to dress differently?
Hire an image consultant or get a hip friend to take you shopping.
Maybe you want to stop smoking or start meditating
to feel calmer and peaceful. Start with one thing that will allow
you to feel better about yourself. Something easy. Something achievable.
You will build momentum.
Then take a look at the spiritual part - what is your
spiritual life like? Do you believe in a higher power? If so, are
you in gratitude for the things you do have? Like two arms, legs,
a healthy heart. Or do you complain about what you don't have?
Gratitude lifts your self-confidence by strengthening
Are you giving and loving to others? If you want to
feel better about yourself - give love to others. A generous heart
works every time.
To lift up the mental part look at what information
you are soaking up. Are you watching violent movies or soap operas
or reading melodramatic novels? Are you glued to CNN?
The problem with those things is they connect you
to low energy emotions of blame, regret, anxiety, humiliation, shame
and even hatred.
Read uplifting stories, watch The Biography Channel
or other interesting programming. Involve your mind in topics and
with people who aren't living in melodrama or negativity, but instead
prefer to think positively and lovingly.
The emotional part will follow when you get the other
three in order. Diet, exercise, spiritual growth and what your mind
is exposed to, naturally affect your emotions because then you are
in a loving energy field.
And if you are still suffering, then please get some
professional help. There's no shame in that. Don't suffer on your
WHO YOU CAN BE?
You can BE a beacon of light. You can choose to be
loving. You can choose to think light filled thoughts. You can be
a source of hope, inspiration and joy.
When you reconnect to the light you will feel wonderful
about yourself. Yes we all have our mountains to climb. That's life.
We don't need to choose to feel insecure because of our mountains.
I like this quote from Khan that Wayne Dyer used in
his book "There's A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem":
"The solution to the problem of the day is the
awakening of the consciousness of humanity to the divinity within."
Hazrat Inayat Khan
Think about it - you are connected to the Divine Source.
You are part of that Source, just like a wave is part of the ocean.
It looks like it's separate but it ultimately flows back into the
ocean. So by acknowledging that you are part of the Divine Source
then you can't be inferior. Say a pray, call to the angels, go to
church, take a hike or a long walk by the ocean. Do something that
puts you in touch with nature and your connection.
Take the steps to improve how you feel about yourself,
to reconnect to the Divine Source. You're not inferior. You don't
need to feel insecure. You are loved and you are able to love.
Start today and set up a plan to begin to increase
your self-confidence. Don't let anything be an excuse.
Love others and yourself, be in gratitude, read uplifting
stories or great spiritual books, exercise and eat healthy foods,
don't make wrong choices.
© Carol C. Chanel, 2004-2005
Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who helps
people get UNSTUCK, have healthy, joyful relationships, improve their
love lives and feel great. Carol works with people by phone, from
all over the world; and writes an ezine, Rockin' Relationships, to
guide people through the challenges of relationships.
You can contact her at: http://www.carolchanel.com