20 Signs You Are Free From Your Destructive Relationship Pattern
By Christine Akiteng
Following my article; How Do You Make The Pain Go Away - Letting Go
Obsessing About Him/Her, I‘ve been flooded with emails from men
and women asking me to explain exactly what learning and moving on entails.
Most people seem to recognize that there is definitely a self-destructive
pattern in their relationships, a pattern they are stuck in. A few of
them have been working to break free from their destructive patterns
but now ask, “How do I know I’ve moved on?"
A person who has overcome his/her pattern of “negative bonding"
is profoundly different from what he/she was before:
1. You accept yourself fully (as you are now) even while wanting to
change parts of yourself.
2. You take full responsibility for your own behaviour, own choices
and own life.
3. You do not adapt yourself to try and fit into “uncomfortable"
situations and relationships.
4. You recognize that you’re a worthy person and your fulfillment
is as important as anyone else.
5. You are in touch with your feelings, needs and desires and do not
need a man/woman to bring out the fully expressive, creative and affectionate
you. You do that with yourself and get a real kick out of it.
6. You are taking risks; meeting new and different people and learning
more of what life wants to teach you about yourself through others.
7. You are freed from the overwhelming responsibility of fixing others.
No one has to change in order for you to feel good or get on with the
business of living.
8. You are less needy, less worried, less anxious, less angry, less
irritable, less hostile, less forceful, less submissive, less confrontational,
less selfish and self-destructive.
9. You are more realistic in your expectations of yourself and of others.
You no longer pressurize others for more of what they don't have (time,
closeness, sensitivity, romance, fidelity, material stuff etc.) or give
him/her too much of what he/she does not necessarily want and then become
angered and hurt when he/she does not seem to appreciate it.
10. You are more able to relax and enjoy yourself and others more.
This frees others to relax and enjoy themselves around you.
11. You’ve let go playing games: calculating, manipulating, putting
on a great big spectacular show of “loving" him/her, the
chasing and running away. You are more relaxed and honest, and let the
rest take care of itself.
12. You are pursuing your interests, hobbies and dreams.
13. You have a circle of supportive friends and family while at the
same time avoiding dysfunctional relationships and energy drainers -
people who sabotage your growth by wanting you to remain the same so
that they can remain the same.
14. You trust more and can more comfortably let down your protection
against being really hurt and allow a man/woman to see and love you
for who you really are.
15. You no longer use your sexuality as a tool to control intimacy
and relationships. You now allow yourself to be sexual as away of deepening
your knowledge of each other.
16. You allow yourself to be loved because you already love yourself.
If there is lots of love already in there, it is much easier to receive
and accept love that comes from outside of you.
17. You know that a good relationship takes work and time to grow and
are willing to put in effort and time but at the same time know when
to let go if it’s not working - to let go without experiencing
18. You don’t need to find a partner who is the opposite of you
to bring balance into your life. Instead you ask, “Does this relationship
enable me grow into all I am capable of being?"
19. You’ve learned to live your life without all the “stress"
and time-consuming and energy draining dramas of heated battles, begging,
angry outbursts, parting and reconciling.
20. What once felt normal and familiar feels uncomfortable, awkward
and unhealthy. When everything in you wants to take over, to advice
and encourage, use praise to “raise" his/her self-esteem,
or criticism to manipulate him/her, you easily hold yourself from responding
in the old ways.
Some people have worked through their “negative bonding"
patterns without any therapy or professional help, but a majority of
people have tried so hard and none of their best efforts have worked
in the long run. This is because often the situation is worse than they
allow themselves to admit; they are too proud to ask for help; they
make a half-attempted effort just until the pain of the break-up is
Working to let go off old patterns of relating is a better alternative
to pining for your last love and waiting for your next heart break.
None of this is easy, but it is exactly what has to happen. This may
be the first time in your life that you’ve regarded yourself truly
important and worthy of your own attention and nurturing.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned
Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The
Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating
has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling